During the men's group meeting, P blanket invited everyone to his place that night for a birthday party for SD, who was there as part of the group. Because we were a small group, I thought the invitation was extended to everyone because one cannot exclude only a few. P started writing out the address for everyone and at one point he asked me point blank if I would go. I said "Sure" and he wrote out the address. I took it, put it in my wallet and figured it was just a gesture.
When I got home I pulled it out because I was curious about where P lives. I noticed he had written "Thanks!" and a smiley face on the piece of paper. That led me to believe that he wanted me there. So I texted him about what to bring (I took beer and tequila). The party began at 6:30.
I arrived just before 7, not wanting to be the first one there. I wasn't. I was second! I met P's dad and friend and we just chatted as people began to arrive. I moved outside where there was a small fire pit and a heater. As people came to the party, I was introduced to a few people but not everyone. Let me tell you - this was one great-looking crowd of men! There were a few women there too, one being SD's cousin.
P announced the food was ready and I kind of hung back, not wanting to look like the usual pig I am. In the meantime, SD arrived for his birthday party. He made his way outside where he made the rounds. He greeted his cousin and her fiance then stepped over toward me. I stood up and SD opened his arms for a hug.
It wasn't just the hug of two guys who had met for the first time earlier that day. SD really HUGGED me, tightening his arms around me. Of course, being the hug whore I am, I did the same. We probably hugged for a good minute. He pulled back and thanked me for being there, flashed me his cute dimpled smile, and moved to a group of guys.
I was surprised at his reception but chalked it up to his probably being buzzed or high already and just happy there were so many others. I didn't notice him giving anyone else the same treatment but I don't think I thought about it consciously. I eventually got a plate of chicken linguine (P also made shrimp linguine). I went back outside, grabbed a second beer, and settled in to enjoy the food. SD made his way back outside with his food and he sat near his cousin (I had moved to another chair). He eventually made his way over to me and we chatted briefly. He started showing me pictures of something - I forget now what - but he did pass to a picture of him shirtless. He said "That's my torso. That's just my torso." I said "It's a nice torso." He eventually went off to mingle because it was "his party" as he said.
More people arrived and I recognized some from bear social networking sites. None of them introduced themselves. P came outside and sat by me....he has a big afro wig that he was showing off to hilarity and he even put it on me. As the night started wearing on I started retreating into myself, as usual when I'm not part of the group. And I mean by that, I don't know these guys or the memories they are sharing or the others they're speaking of. I eventually tapped P and told him I thought I was going to take off. It was probably going on 11. He said "Ok" and proceeded to stand up and start going into the house. I didn't say goodbye to anyone because I didn't really say hello. I know, rude on my part.
[Damn! This is long! But we're almost to the good part.]
So P and I walk into the house to the kitchen and he pokes SD and says "This one's leaving." SD looked at me with a little sad face. I asked how he was doing, he said he was buzzed, and I told him to enjoy it and happy birthday. All the time he's flashing that dimpled smile. He moved in to hug me...and it was a repeat of our greeting except....longer. He kept tightening his grip on me and I did the same. Someone started fake coughing and we pulled apart. Without breaking eye contact SD said "Non-boyfriend is jealous." I turned toward P who gives me a "What are you doing" look. I returned it with a "What's going on" look. I hugged P and said thanks for inviting me. While this is going on I'm acutely aware that all eyes are on us. While I'm saying something or other to P, I feel SD's fingers on mine and he starts to hold my hand. I turned and we hugged again, not as long, not as intense. So I said "I better go." I started to walk toward the door and SD reached out with one finger and caught my one finger. I heard him say "I'm walking him out." Maybe 10 steps to the door! So I open the door and step out, turn to SD and we hug yet again. I step back and he asks where I'm parked so I tell him just across the street and he comments on my truck. I turned back to him, took a step forward....and we kissed closed mouth. Several times. We pull apart and he says "You're making me hard." I said "You're so f---ing adorable." We kissed one more time and I said "Go back to your party. I hope to see you again." He smiled and stepped back in and I left.
I drove home and kept saying out loud "What the f--k just happened??"
I suppose I should tell you about SD. It was his 27th birthday. He has a mohawk, a goatee, an eyebrow piercing, several tats and he dresses kind of metal-punkish. It totally suits him.
I was so totally caught off guard by his behavior. I have been trying to convince myself that it means nothing, that it was just "a moment" we shared. Several "moments." I know that when we were sitting in that morning's group I looked at him often (I was immediately taken with him, I admit) but I didn't think I made this kind of impression. I even thought his "buzz" may have impaired his judgment.
I admit...it thrilled me while totally baffling me at the same time. I found his FB profile via P's profile but there's little info. It appears he doesn't log on but then I haven't "friended" him so who knows. I've been kind of torn about what to do. I don't want to miss an opportunity but I don't want to assume that he actually likes me. Contrary to his actions, that is. P texted me on Sunday: Hey you! Thanks for coming out last night. :) It meant a lot to S and myself. You are. A great friend. Hope you had a great time. :)
In my ever self-deprecation I assume this was sent to everyone not just me. I did text back: Thank you for inviting me. Hope to see you both again soon. HUGS. He replied Cool.
So there you have it...a cute, adorable guy hugged and kissed me on his birthday. I really don't know what to make of it. Even now, in recapping the experience, I'm dumbfounded. (Sorry, that's the low self esteem talking.) So what do I do? Friend him on FB and see if he accepts? Should I ask P about it? Should I just wait and see? My gay coworker today asked me if I had heard from "my boy" and I said no and I told him about the FB. My coworker said "You're making too much of this."
So....am I? If you've stayed with me through this very long post I would like to know your thoughts, reaction, and more importantly advice. Because this big ole behr has no idea what to think or do.