Sunday Favorite 19

I believe that this photo is a still from porn; it seems I've seen it somewhere before. I want to say Titan's Heat, but don't quote me on that. Regardless of whether it comes from porn or not, the still tells a story. First, the guy is hunky. 'nuff said there. He's carrying a gas can so it's assumed his vehicle has run out of gas somewhere. That he's teetering on the rail shows he's not that concerned about getting his gas tank refilled. It's playful, sexy, and yet stark. I just think it's a fun picture.

I'm over my weirdness from Friday night. In the reality of sunshine, any thought I had about contacting a certain someone dissipated. Your comments helped too!

This morning it's cool outside and foggy. It's almost 9 am and no sign of the sun. Definitely long sleeve weather. Hopefully the sun will eventually peek out.

Hope everyone has a good Sunday. BEHR HUGS!!

Friday Night and Feeling Strange

Tonight I met my friend, K, at Disneyland. You may remember my brief post about him; he's the one who was extremely ill. He's doing a lot better although he's lost an incredible amount of weight. He looks older, to be expected, and moves slower but the offbeat sense of humor is still there. We both teared up several times as we caught each other up on what's been happening. It was very good to see him.

K is a friend of S from my Love, Not Love posts. In fact, K and S dated briefly before I met S. Because they are good friends, K talked about S a lot. Sometimes we make allowances for our friends and let them say whatever they want.

K did ask at one point if it bothered me that he was talking about S. I hesitated about 10 seconds too long before I said it was okay. He picked up on it. So we did talk about him, not rehashing the past necessarily but in general.

K said he knows for a fact that S would like to have a "friendly association" with me.

I told K about S not calling me when K was ill. I also told him that S never asked me what was wrong. K said that that's just who S is, that he holds his emotions inside. I told K that, to me, it meant I was not important on any level to S.

The strange thing is I've often thought about extending the proverbial olive branch. I was thinking this before posting Love, Not Love. But as I told K tonight...I'm not ready. I know I'm being childish and spiteful and stubborn. But hey! I'm a Taurus!

Fear not dear readers. I won't be contacting S any time soon. I think if he and I were to talk or connect again it wouldn't last. So why bother. He had his chances and he blew them both.

Tonight has left me feeling strange. I cannot explain the feeling but I'm just feeling....off. Hopefully a good night's sleep will rectify this.

Thanks for reading. BEHR HUGS!!

I'm STUFFED

Every once in a while, my department holds a meeting at iHop. It's usually an excuse to meet off-site and enjoy each other's company over a nosh. Most of the time my boss pays, which is nice of him since most of us are willing to pay our own way.

This morning we had an iHop meeting. Did you know that the current promotion is "all you can eat pancakes?" It is! I forget what the name of the meal is but it consisted of two eggs, two sausage or bacon (I had sausage), hash browns, and pancakes. It comes with two; the all you can eat is three. So I had five pancakes. I know most men could eat more than this but I had already had oatmeal and a venti coffee earlier. If I don't eat within an hour of rising I get a headache and very cranky. So I'm feeling stuffed.

Maybe I'll walk it all off tonight. URP!

Friday Hunk

What a way to celebrate Friday! I got these pics of this furry hunk from a Yahoo photo sharing group to which I belong. He looks familiar to me so I don't know if it's from one of those gay social networking sites or if he's popped up on another blog. Just for the record...I would SO lick him from head to toe.

I'm hoping to meet my friend at Disneyland tonight for dinner, fireworks, and a few rides. It's been a while since I've seen him, not since before he got sick. I feel I haven't been very supportive so I'm hoping to make it up to him. Not THAT way!

I don't have many plans for the weekend. maybe something exciting will happen so I have something to blog on Monday.

Have a great Friday and weekend. BEHR HUGS!

Cute Young Thing

Today's subject is not my typical feature...but I couldn't resist. He is just so darn cute! And that chest - whoa. A nice chest really gets me going. I hope you'll agree.

I'm a bad American citizen. I completely forgot that the SOTU address was last night. I'm hoping to catch the sound bites or - more hopefully - someone will blog about the highlights. I did notice the picture of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and their stoicism in the face of President Obama's attack of DADT. Or so Joe.My.God said.

A word to my followers: thank you. Thank you all for supporting my corner of cyberland and for the many supportive comments to Love, Not Love. I know many of you come here to check out the hot men and that's good, nay, great! But I have decided to keep the photo blog posts to a minimum. I would like to start actual blogging, even if it's mundane stuff. But believe it or not, I have lots to share: my Scouting experience, my coming out, my struggle with balancing religion and being gay, and my ongoing struggle with self-acceptance.

So although I'm not totally revamping Behr Blather, there will be some changes. I hope you'll all stick around for the ride. BEHR HUGS!!

Black and White Wednesday

Since I enjoy this particular feature, it is one I will be continuing. Not certain about what other features I will continue; I'm still without my library of photos. Anyway, here are some furry-chested hunks for midweek relief. I apologize for the poor quality. I like the guy in the last two pics: the fur, the tats, the scruffy face...grrrr!

The rain and cooler temperatures are back here in Southern California. It finally feels like Winter. I hope everyone is having a good week. BEHR HUGS!

Love, Not Love - Epilogue

Again, thank you for the comments to Part I and Part II. The purpose of this wasn't to get sympathy or build an army against the tyrant but to hopefully share insight into myself. We are all complex creatures and few of us know what goes on in the minds and hearts of others. I promise the next post will be lighter in nature. And now...the conclusion. BEHR HUGS!!

I have not spoken to S since that day at Disneyland. Later that month he sent me a birthday present and I sent a polite yet brief e-mail thanking him. I once waved to him at Disneyland and immediately regretted it. My decision to cut him completely from my life may have been harsh and melodramatic. It was what I had to do. And not surprisingly, S has never tried to find out – from me, at least – what happened. If he had written a note apologizing or inquiring about our shaky friendship or attempted a reconciliation, perhaps things would be different. He didn’t and they aren’t.

A few months ago I briefly wrote about a friend who has developed full-blown AIDS (see Downfall of a Friend). What I didn’t include is that S asked a friend if he thought it would be okay if S called me about our sick friend. Our friend said yes, definitely. But S did not.

I do still think about him; I mainly remember the good times. The truth is, I could never be friends with him now because I know that he neither values a friendship nor respects the feelings of others. For the record: I do not hate him. He will always have a place in my heart. It is my life in which he is no longer welcome.

I realize I have painted him as the monster. I had – have – my own faults and baggage and personality flaws. However, while I believe we were equally to blame for the failure of our relationship, I also believe that I did everything possible to show him how much he meant to me. It just wasn’t enough.

I’ve dated many men, before and after S, but never have I been so utterly rejected. I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. My experience with S caused me to place an iron cage around my heart. I doubt I will ever truly love again. I am more focused on building true friendships these days. If love is to happen again, it’s possible I may take the chance. It may take some coaxing.

I am in awe of those of you in long-term committed relationships. You have something precious, something special. It’s taken hard work, it’s taken sacrifice and compromise. But when love is truly there, it happens. So do me a favor. Tonight when you see your beloved, hold him tight, kiss him passionately, and tell him that you love him. Make him your sun, your moon, your everything. That will make me happy and restore my faith in love.

And the award goes to - ME!

I recently had the Kreativ Blogger award bestowed upon me. I'm surprised, shocked, honored, and maybe the teensiest bit scared! I have seven rules to obey:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

To Larry, who has been immensely supportive, thank you.

2. Copy the award logo and place it on your blog.

Done.

3. Link to the person who nominated you.

If you're not following Larry's Patently Queer there's something wrong with you. (joking)

4. Share seven things about yourself that people might find interesting.

* I have never had a broken bone of any sort. This is amazing considering I'm one of the klutziest people on the face of the planet.

* I sometimes wish I were a blue-collar worker, like a mechanic or construction worker. It's hard, physical work but I think I'd be in better shape and way more butch. I'm not as smart as people think.

* I have odd childhood memories. For example, when I was 3 or 4 I found a bright blue Easter egg in my mother's white pumps. Her shoes were in the kitchen because she had polished them the night before. Seriously though....wtf?

* My brother and sister once dressed me up as a girl and took pictures. I was probably in the 7 -10 age range. I have no desire to do drag. Probably because I was a nelly kid.

* I don't own an iPod. Most of my music comes from the radio. The last music CD I bought was in 2001.

* When I was 11, I had a bondage/rape fantasy that involved two men, one blond and one brunette. When I thought about the dark one doing certain things I'd ejaculate. I still didn't understand I was gay.

* I wanted to seduce one of my college professors. I flirted like mad with him whenever possible. He seemed oblivious. I think he was aware but handled it professionally.

5. Nominate seven Kreativ Bloggers and post a link to the nominated blogs.

Joe - Bear Me Out

Sean - Idle Eyes and a Dormy

V - Maybe it's just me....

Michael -Michael Rivers: The Blog

Greg - Kyle's B&B

Sexy Beast - Bear of a Man

Dwight - Dwight Supremacy

6. Numero seis no esta aqui. Donde esta??

7. Leave a comment on each of the nominated blogs informing them of this honor.

Will do this later on (limited access at work).

Love, Not Love - Part II

• Thanks to everyone who left a comment on Part I, I appreciate the feedback. I want to clarify something: I did not include many incidents that occurred; I only chose the highlights. The story began in 2004; it ends in 2006. Here is the second part of the story, which picks up where Part I left off, same day. I kept this as abbreviated as possible, in keeping with the style of the previous part. I will post the Epilogue soon.

We board the plane for home. I want a cocktail. He pays. G&Ts. At our home airport I’m desperate to get the luggage and get going. I need to get away from S. Other plans have been made. Mexican dinner. Three margaritas. Still not drunk.

Finally arrive at S’s. Ask politely to use bathroom. I walk out. “What’s this?” He holds the mailer containing the handmade card I mailed before our trip. Damn. It arrived early; it is meant for February 14. “A card. Read it. Don’t read it. It doesn’t matter now.” I leave.

The card said: I absolutely adore you.

To this day I have no idea whether or not if he read it.

Touch base with a mutual friend who tells me he’s sorry. Says I’m best thing to happen to S, he’s a idiot.

Week later, online, S asks what I’m doing. I tell him I’m going to Disneyland. He asks if I want company. Rock and hard place. We have a nice day, relaxed, no confrontation, no tears. He looks like he wants to say something; he doesn’t.

We see each other over the next couple of months: dinner, theme parks. Excruciating pain. Still want to touch him, kiss him. I still feel empty. I meet other men, mostly for sex. Time passes. We have less and less contact. I make a change at work: new position, new department, different responsibilities, new adventures. Moving on. Best thing.

S tells me he plans to quit teaching, move to San Diego, go to massage school. WTF?

I delve back into theater. Pirates of Penzance. Great fun. He wants to come see the show. I offer to make reservation. He says “For two.” He brings date. Awkward. Pretend it doesn’t bother me.

He sells me washer/dryer. I pick them up, he barely helps load them in my truck. Missing part; return for it and we go to dinner. I drive away and don’t think about it. Realize I am over him. No longing. No well of sadness. I can be near him without wanting to hold him, kiss him.

He calls. Asks me to go to Walt Disney World with him. I agree. Visit him at his new place in San Diego. We discuss trip. Dinner, show. Against better judgment, stay the night. He spoons me, asks if it is ok. Yes.

We are friends. Nothing more. I do not feel the longing as before. Time heals. Trip to Orlando. Together but separate, good time. Lots of laughs. Old days return. Third night, I want to spoon. “Don’t.” Slept on couch. Despite that, overall great trip.

We don’t see much of each other but try to stay in touch. This is new, remaining friends with ex.

Invitation to naked pool party. Snow Monkeys. Late March, heated pool. Feeling good, happy. First to arrive. Others soon come, S included. He seems “off.” I say hello, he doesn’t say much. I’m first in heated. Drinking beer, eating, having good time. Attempt conversation with S; he barely responds but talks to others. I leave him be. Someone asks S why he is like Eyeore, so doom and gloom. Does he have a bad boyfriend?

S responds: “That’s all I’ve had.”

All eyes turn to me. Knife back in chest. Anger. Hurt. Embarrassment. I get out of pool, dry off, start getting dressed. Friend asks what’s wrong. I break down, sob. Can’t breathe, can’t think, numb. Friend comforts me. I escape.

Week later, mini-Gay Day at Disneyland. I want to go but dread presence of S. Maybe he won’t be there. He is.

I ignore him. I do not speak to him. I avoid him. Smart boy catches on quick. He approaches, says hello, asks how I am. “I’m well.” Someone calls to me, I walk away. Not easy and yet what I do. Must do.

Later, waiting for fireworks. Our group numbers 25+. I decide to go have cocktails. Hug and kiss everyone goodbye….except S.

It does not go unnoticed.

Pernell Roberts Dies

Via CNN: Actor Pernell Roberts, who played the eldest Cartwright brother in TV's "Bonanza," died at his Malibu, California, home Sunday at 81, his lawyer said.

Younger TV viewers may remember Roberts from the lead role in "Trapper John, M.D.," a medical drama that aired on CBS for seven years, ending in 1986.

I remember being fascinated by Adam on "Bonanza" as a kid. He was so handsome! Later when "Trapper John, M.D.," aired, I was completely smitten by this totally hot daddy bear.

RIP, Pernell Roberts. You were a talented and hot man.

Sunday Favorite 18

The remarkable (and wet!) Juan Jose Bracho.

Is there really anything to say?

Behr Hugs!!

Love, Not Love - Part I

I'm often asked why I'm single. Perhaps this will 'splain Lucy a bit about Romantic Behrmark. I’ve written this in an abbreviated, clipped style; it’s how it comes out. For brevity (!) and anonymity, the initial S is used for the other party. This was not easy for me to write. Memories can be evil and hateful reminders. This is merely Part 1. Be warned: it’s not pretty.

We meet on gay.com of all places. I think S mistakenly clicked on my screen name. S assures me he hasn’t. Wow. Gorgeous man wants to chat. He can carry a conversation. He’s smart, has sense of humor. He has a beard, killer smile. Swoon.

He wants to meet. I’m not nervous. At least I keep telling myself I’m not. We meet at Downtown Disney. I’m early. He’s late. I stick my hand out – isn’t that what polite people do? He looks taken aback but we shake hands. I fall in love instantly. Not loin-stirring, lust-driven, heart-racing love but quiet soul- consuming love. We have dinner, hit a few rides at California Adventure. He tells me I’m cute. I think “What a great guy. I’ll never see him again.”

He calls two days later. For another date. Dinner and a movie? Good dinner, no movie, just lots of talking and getting to know each other. Holding hands on my couch he says I intimidate him. I move too fast, physically. Holding hands is too fast? When he leaves, I kiss him. (Six years later, I can still feel it.) All of the feelings I think I’m imagining start to crystallize. I am most definitely in love.

We spend more time together. Never cross the line, take it slow. He lets me hold his hand at the movies. We go to the gym together. See him naked in the showers. SCHWING! Suddenly feel inadequate. But he keeps coming around so he must like me. Right? Right? Start having panic attacks…rent my house move in with him? Sell both our houses and buy/rent something new? Oh god…introduce him to my family?!

E-mail him to say I like him. Am interested in more than friendship. Just sayin'.

S invites me to go to Renaissance Faire. He introduces me to his friends. Hit it off with them. Did I pass the test? Next day he emails me. I’m fun, I’m handsome, but he isn’t feeling the spark. Let’s remain friends. Heartbreak.

Friendship in all of its goodness. Jokes. Midday text messages. Dinners together with more of his friends. Gym dates. Disney Bears group. No touching, no kissing. Just two buds hanging together. And yet I keep falling deeper. I need this to stop.

Weekend trip to San Jose, hang out with SacBears, go to Great America. Two nights. One bed. We sleep naked. Last morning, there’s movement. He’s jerking off. I suck him and massage his prostate. He cums. He showers. I remain untouched.

A new introduction. Someone he’s dating. Hot guy, they look good together. I see silent intimacy pass between them. I hate this guy. Weeks later S shares his frustration that he and Other Guy don’t have much in common. Inside I scream. Outwardly I give advice. We help those we love even when it kills us to do so.

I plan a trip to Cancun with a coworker and her husband. Need to get away, clear my head. And my heart. S calls, tells me to get laid. I retort that’s not my main goal. He asks, I tell him: I need to clear my head of some stuff. My meaning is clear.

I return: mission accomplished. Somewhat. Attend pool party. S and Other Guy are there. S compliments my tan. He’s drunk, leering at Other Guy's sizeable cock. I know where it's been. Other Guy attempts friendliness. Have epiphany: it's over. I am healed. Give S his present and leave.

Gay Days. S and I go together. He broke up with Other Guy. Too bad. I spy Hot Latino who returns my smile. He and his friend join our group. Hard flirting. Sexual tension. Alone on Sun Wheel, I fellate Hot Latino. Friends cheer, joke. S is sullen, standing apart from group. Announces his departure. I ask what’s wrong. Angry reply: “Nothing. I can go if I want.” In my head I beg him: “Just ask and I will walk away from Hot Latino.”

S walks away. His loss.

Following week, S calls, wants to “talk.” Meet at his place. He finally broaches “subject.” He wants to date again. Rapture! Realizes what he is missing. I hear the words but don’t listen. Heart jumping with joy. Never stopped loving him. Entire weekend spent together. Heaven.On.Earth.

Go everywhere do everything together. Official dating couple. Joy abounds within me. I will have my Happy Ever After.

Normal dating problems: miscommunication, possible cheating situation. Resolve issues, move on. Wonderful Christmas. Most amazing sex. This will last forever. I.Am.Complete.

January. Communication breakdown. S needs space. I give it. Phone calls stop. He wants to be alone. Fucking Greta Garbo complex. Tiffs ensue. Words exchanged. Physical withdrawal. Ask if we can talk. After party. Host of party compliments how great a couple we make. Awkward silence. Later we talk. Temporary resolution.

Trip to Napa with friends. Going well. Drunken haze, all seems well. Sunday morning he rebuffs sexual advance. I’m hurt, angry. He goes off on me. I suggest we break it off, just be friends. He relaxes. Instantly. Opens up. Emotions pour from his mouth. Suddenly he’s talkative, out of sullen mood. Feels too partnered. I’m too self-deprecating. It’s me, I am the problem.

He’s free. I’m feeling lost. Adrift. Friends know something is wrong, don’t ask. At third winery, I cry. Pain. Misery. Heart ripped out. Friends uncomfortable. S looks guilty. On drive to airport, I weep silently. S strokes my shoulder.

Too late. Much too late.

Congratulations Howard!!

I just discovered via Joe.My.God, that our resident music friend, Howard, has been nominated for a 2010 Bloggie for his insightful music blog: Soundtrack to My Day. If you're not a fan yet, please give him a look and listen. This man really knows his music!! And Howard is one of the sweetest, nicest guys you'd ever want to meet.

Vote for Howard for best music blog.

Behr Hugs Howard!!

Popular - Bear Style

I wanted to share this clip of Noelbear (WOOF!) lipsynching "Popular" from Wicked. And who can resist Kristin Chenoweth? BEHR HUGS!!

Good Read Followup

In an earlier post, I shared two good reads by author Mark Abramson: Beach Reading and Cold Serial Murder. While I was without internet, I read his third novel in the series, Russian River Rat.

This novel continues the saga of Tim Snow and his circle of friends and family. Tim has moved into his dead ex’s house and is now dating Nick. The new boyfriends, although in the throes of love, begin having miscommunication problems as a result of Nick’s cousin being found naked and drowned in the Russian River and the appearance of Phil, a mysterious man from Tim’s past. A series of accidents lands Tim in the hospital and his Aunt Ruth, who has moved into Tim’s old apartment, tries to ferret out the instigator before more harm can be done.

Mr. Abramsom brings the colorful world of the Castro, SoMa, the Russian River, and San Francisco to life and rounds out secondary characters introduced in the previous novels. We meet them all: drag queens, leather queens, bears, meth addicts, trannies, and straights. The author’s use of humor is a nice contrast to the excitement of the action. I recommend Russian River Rat whole-heartedly! BEHR HUGS!!

Thursday Daddies

For your viewing pleasure today I present these three daddies. I thankfully subscribe to a yahoo group that periodically provides me with member submissions of hot men. For the next few weeks I'll be drawing from that selection.

If I didn't say this before, I want to thank everyone for your good thoughts, support, and wishes for a speedy return. I feel so loved!!

So Cal is in the midst of an El Nino which basically means bucketfuls of rain. Although we need the rain we don't need the tornado watch (yes for real), the flooding, or the arctic temperatures. We're never happy.

Here's hoping everyone is healthy, happy, and warm. BEHR HUGS!!

Black and White Hump Day

It's black and white Hump Day! BEHR HUGS!

Behr Returns (Somewhat)

Hello all! I am almost back into action! Since today is MLK Jr Day, I had the day off from work. So I ventured out into the rain to the nearest Apple store where Kramer and Josh helped me to select a Macbook. I had been contemplating a Macbook Pro but after a series of probing questions, Kramer determined that the plain ole Macbook would suit my needs better.

Along with the actual Macbook, I got a printer too. Apple had a promo where if you bought a Mac you get a $100 rebate on a printer - and the printer they're pushing is $99 and change! So yay for me! I also purchased Microsoft Windows for Mac; this will be good in the event I actually use this for work-related items.

Now for some exciting stuff: I've gone wireless! Earlier in the year I switched to Verizon's FIOS for phone and Internet; wireless is automatically connected. I had to call Verizon to determine the password that the Macbook wanted but once I got that I was on my way. I love being able to sit in front of the TV and surf the net!! Ok, so most of you probably do that already but for me it's a big deal.

The above pic I took with the Photobooth app; kinda cool!

I also purchased the One to One training sessions for a year. Once I activate it, I can make as man appointments I want to get one on one training on using a Mac product. I am taking advantage of this since I'm a long time PC. Now I'm a Mac!! I've pretty much figured a lot out but still having some difficulty figuring stuff out so this will be a good investment.

Once I learn how to download and move pics I should be back in business. I'm hoping that I'll be able to eventually retrieve the thousands of pictures I have on my PC and get them on the Macbook. So my picture selection is going to be slim pickings for a while.

I want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement and advice and support. I feel so loved!

BEHR HUGS!!!

Quick Update

Just checking in to say I'm still alive. I hate not having access to all of the wonderful blogs I follow...only those that aren't restricted by content can I see when at work. I'm postponing purchasing a new device until after I pay off my American Express card. A friend will help me decide what to get. I'm definitely going the Mac route just not sure yet about notebook vs desktop. The only good thing about my situation is I'm spending more time catching up on my reading.

A big thank you to Mark in DE for keeping me in mind by sending me emails; I appreciate it buddy!

BEHR HUGS TO ALL!!

Down for the Count

Well it was only a matter of time. Not only did my PC bomb out on me again but my laptop decided to follow suit. So that means I'm basically PC-less except at work and I really don't want to risk violating all of the company's internet security/usage policies. So Behr Blather is going to take a (hopefully short) hiatus until I can either get one or both machines up and running or I purchase a new device (considering a Macbook Pro). Hopefully this picture of Tober Brandt will tide everyone over until I return.

BEHR HUGS!!

Back to Work Monday

It's back to work for me today after one week in SF and two weeks on vacation. I'm not sure what the day will hold but I can say that I am NOT looking forward to putting on a tie. If I looked as good as these men in a tie perhaps I wouldn't complain.

Happy Monday and BEHR HUGS!!

Sunday Favorite 17

When I first saw this photo, I captioned it "I ate so much and can't get my jeans on!"

I made no New Year resolutions. I tend to not keep them. If I resolve do to something (or stop doing something) later in the year I'll have greater success. Or so it's always seems.

BEHR HUGS!!

Hot Outdoor Guys

For your Saturday enjoyment....BEHR HUGS!!