26 January 2010

Love, Not Love - Epilogue

Again, thank you for the comments to Part I and Part II. The purpose of this wasn't to get sympathy or build an army against the tyrant but to hopefully share insight into myself. We are all complex creatures and few of us know what goes on in the minds and hearts of others. I promise the next post will be lighter in nature. And now...the conclusion. BEHR HUGS!!

I have not spoken to S since that day at Disneyland. Later that month he sent me a birthday present and I sent a polite yet brief e-mail thanking him. I once waved to him at Disneyland and immediately regretted it. My decision to cut him completely from my life may have been harsh and melodramatic. It was what I had to do. And not surprisingly, S has never tried to find out – from me, at least – what happened. If he had written a note apologizing or inquiring about our shaky friendship or attempted a reconciliation, perhaps things would be different. He didn’t and they aren’t.

A few months ago I briefly wrote about a friend who has developed full-blown AIDS (see
Downfall of a Friend). What I didn’t include is that S asked a friend if he thought it would be okay if S called me about our sick friend. Our friend said yes, definitely. But S did not.

I do still think about him; I mainly remember the good times. The truth is, I could never be friends with him now because I know that he neither values a friendship nor respects the feelings of others. For the record: I do not hate him. He will always have a place in my heart. It is my life in which he is no longer welcome.

I realize I have painted him as the monster. I had – have – my own faults and baggage and personality flaws. However, while I believe we were equally to blame for the failure of our relationship, I also believe that I did everything possible to show him how much he meant to me. It just wasn’t enough.

I’ve dated many men, before and after S, but never have I been so utterly rejected. I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. My experience with S caused me to place an iron cage around my heart. I doubt I will ever truly love again. I am more focused on building true friendships these days. If love is to happen again, it’s possible I may take the chance. It may take some coaxing.

I am in awe of those of you in long-term committed relationships. You have something precious, something special. It’s taken hard work, it’s taken sacrifice and compromise. But when love is truly there, it happens. So do me a favor. Tonight when you see your beloved, hold him tight, kiss him passionately, and tell him that you love him. Make him your sun, your moon, your everything. That will make me happy and restore my faith in love.


Wonder Man said...

You will love again... Have hope

Larry Ohio said...

"It is my life in which he is no longer welcome." I'm glad to see you made this decision to cut him off. If ever you are tempted to make contact with him, do yourself a favor and think twice.

And I agree with Wonder Man... have hope to love again.

Bear said...

I sure hope you'll love again, but I know that feeling. I fear I'll keep my heart caged, or hidden. But one day, I hope to fall in love.
I, too, am concentrating on building strong friendships, but even that is new to me. I don't yet know where to begin on "dating."
But, a handsome, sensitive man, as you are, will find it. Better yet, let it find you. (and when it does, I'll send directions for it to find me).

Bear Me Out said...

The above Bear is BearToast Joe.

Nik_TheGreek said...

I agree that loves comes when mostly unexpected...
However, I'm really curious to hear S side of story. Don't get me wrong, I'm with you on this one. I do believe that he treated you badly and cutting him off is the best thing to do, but still...

Mark in DE said...

Its unfortunate that this horrible and traumatic experience has affected you so. But you are doing the right thing (in my opinion) by concentrating on building friendships, as one of these may turn into something more. And if it doesn't, you've still got a corral full of great friends!

Love and behr hugs!!