29 September 2013

Sunday Favorite: 91

It's Autumn! There's a nip in the morning air and the nights are cooler. Only the days still reflect the heat of summer. Major League Baseball continues to drag on in its interminable season...not that I care since my boys - the Arizona Diamondbacks - blew their National League West number one position after the All-Star Game. And now we have football reigning supreme on Sundays. I'm not much into football but do try to follow one team - you guessed it - the Arizona Cardinals. They're not doing as well as they could but not as worse as some other teams.

I've been feeling fairly beat down lately. I've been dealing with a cold for over a week, which as you know can wear one down physically. I'm also fairly beat down emotionally. I've mentioned O occasionally here...he's someone I've been hanging out with quite a bit for the past year and a half. Against my better judgment I started developing feelings for him. I thought he was doing the same. We've both said the "L" word (no, not lesbian!) and I know we both enjoy each other's company. 

Last weekend O and I were supposed to go to lunch with a friend of mine. Since I woke up with a cold, I decided to cancel as I really didn't need to pass it on and I needed to get over it. I was disappointed because I really wanted to see O but he said he understood and for me to not be upset, that I need to rest and get well. He reminded me that he loves me and all will be good. What a guy, right? Later than day I texted him to see what he was doing and he was out with friends walking about in LA. He mentioned feeling lonely though. I asked him about that and he said he's still in love with his ex-boyfriend and can't stop thinking of the guy. WTF?! O decided he needed to be alone so he can work things out. He did text a couple days later and I tried to respond neutrally. I initiated another conversation on Thursday and told him that I only want the best for him even if it doesn't include me. He responded that he does want me in his life, that I've made a positive impact on his life, but that he needs to get over this other guy. Evidently O doesn't feel anything for me, otherwise this other guy from his past would not be an issue. Or am I wrong about that?

So here it is Sunday and I've been alone all weekend. I had a good conversation with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time (this was live on the phone!) and I saw my folks for about an hour yesterday. I didn't go over there today because my mom isn't feeling well and I'm still hacking up globs of green gunk from my lungs. Sorry - TMI? I want to text O but then I feel that if I do I'm swaying him or bothering him or sounding desperate.

I used to say that being alone doesn't mean having to be lonely. Today...I'm feeling alone. I don't understand what is wrong with me...I'm educated, employed in a good job, I own my own truck, own my home, am a loyal friend, and oft times overly generous...I don't think I'm that bad looking although for a majority of the population I could stand to lose 100 pounds. 

Since this is a mystery to me, I've decided I need to reevaluate my life. I need to figure out what it is I want, who I want in my life - romantically and platonically, and where I want to be in five or ten years, etc. I need to make a plan and execute it. So I've started a period of soul searching.

I'm open to advice...both positive and critical criticisms...please feel free to comment or email me (see sidebar). It's probably too late to do this sort of thing at age 50...but what the hell. I'm tired of being on the brink of happiness to have it snatched away.



Nik_TheGreek said...

Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. And no, there is nothing wrong with you. You know it's normal to doubt yourself and feeling lonely from time to time. I might be too young to say this with not much of life experiences, but if you really want to change something, change it, starting from the inside. It might be silly but exercising a bit, doing a bit of yoga or therapy might help. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Confidence and self assurance is what attracts people.

viktor kerney said...

We should talk

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Rick said...

You lost me at "globs of green gunk".
Oh yeah, by all means, go lose some weight and then they will all love you. You're smarter than that. It's easy to get the wrong signals from people. You've known someone that has had what appears to be an ideal partner yet they go for the bad boy/girl. Some people just like to be shit on and I'm not talking about scat lovers either. Don't beat yourself up Mark.
I hope that your over your cold soon!