It's Autumn! There's a nip in the morning air and the nights are cooler. Only the days still reflect the heat of summer. Major League Baseball continues to drag on in its interminable season...not that I care since my boys - the Arizona Diamondbacks - blew their National League West number one position after the All-Star Game. And now we have football reigning supreme on Sundays. I'm not much into football but do try to follow one team - you guessed it - the Arizona Cardinals. They're not doing as well as they could but not as worse as some other teams.
I've been feeling fairly beat down lately. I've been dealing with a cold for over a week, which as you know can wear one down physically. I'm also fairly beat down emotionally. I've mentioned O occasionally here...he's someone I've been hanging out with quite a bit for the past year and a half. Against my better judgment I started developing feelings for him. I thought he was doing the same. We've both said the "L" word (no, not lesbian!) and I know we both enjoy each other's company.
Last weekend O and I were supposed to go to lunch with a friend of mine. Since I woke up with a cold, I decided to cancel as I really didn't need to pass it on and I needed to get over it. I was disappointed because I really wanted to see O but he said he understood and for me to not be upset, that I need to rest and get well. He reminded me that he loves me and all will be good. What a guy, right? Later than day I texted him to see what he was doing and he was out with friends walking about in LA. He mentioned feeling lonely though. I asked him about that and he said he's still in love with his ex-boyfriend and can't stop thinking of the guy. WTF?! O decided he needed to be alone so he can work things out. He did text a couple days later and I tried to respond neutrally. I initiated another conversation on Thursday and told him that I only want the best for him even if it doesn't include me. He responded that he does want me in his life, that I've made a positive impact on his life, but that he needs to get over this other guy. Evidently O doesn't feel anything for me, otherwise this other guy from his past would not be an issue. Or am I wrong about that?
So here it is Sunday and I've been alone all weekend. I had a good conversation with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time (this was live on the phone!) and I saw my folks for about an hour yesterday. I didn't go over there today because my mom isn't feeling well and I'm still hacking up globs of green gunk from my lungs. Sorry - TMI? I want to text O but then I feel that if I do I'm swaying him or bothering him or sounding desperate.
I used to say that being alone doesn't mean having to be lonely. Today...I'm feeling alone. I don't understand what is wrong with me...I'm educated, employed in a good job, I own my own truck, own my home, am a loyal friend, and oft times overly generous...I don't think I'm that bad looking although for a majority of the population I could stand to lose 100 pounds.
Since this is a mystery to me, I've decided I need to reevaluate my life. I need to figure out what it is I want, who I want in my life - romantically and platonically, and where I want to be in five or ten years, etc. I need to make a plan and execute it. So I've started a period of soul searching.
I'm open to advice...both positive and critical criticisms...please feel free to comment or email me (see sidebar). It's probably too late to do this sort of thing at age 50...but what the hell. I'm tired of being on the brink of happiness to have it snatched away.
BEHR HUGS
I've survived another National Kidney Foundation walk! This was the 4th annual Los Angeles area walk, once again held at the world famous Rose Bowl. The route was the same for the 3-mile option (click to enlarge):
I was happy with my participation this year...I raised $450. THANK YOU to those of you who supported, I truly appreciate it. As I told the local division president, we all support charities but when we support a charity that affects us personally then we become even more passionate about it. That's how I am with the NKF walk. I've not done a very good job of showing that passion because I'm afraid of taking advantage of friendships...but this is a serious disease that affects millions, many of whom do not know they have it.
She was a bit surprised when I mentioned that I've participated in all four walks to date.
Here's the best part: I walked the 3 miles in 48 minutes! That's a personal best. Considering I weigh over 300 pounds, have gout, plantar fasciitis, tendinitis, and oh yeah kidney disease, I'm rather proud of myself. My mom walked the 1 mile option and trust me....that's a lot for her.
Now I'm sitting at home, watching movies and napping and gritting my teeth from my ankles hurting!
Oh and a word about the dorky sunglasses...while on vacation I went to the eye doctor and ordered new glasses and new lenses for my sunglasses. Unfortunately the sunglasses had to be shipped off to have the new lenses inserted. So I bought a pair of those "over sight" glasses that fit over my regular glasses. I didn't realize how Atom Ant I looked! But they're doing the job until the real ones come back (hopefully this week).
That's how I ended my weekend...and am starting my week. Hope everyone has a wonderful week, wherever you are and whatever you do.
BEHR HUGS
I've been on vacation all week and today was the first day it truly felt like it. It started, of course, last Friday night when I joined my two dear friends Dan and Mark for the wedding celebration dinner at their favorite Italian restaurant. It was a nice gathering of old and new friends and the food was delicious...the lobster bisque was divine.
I awoke on Saturday with one of those nagging headaches that tells me I have a sinus problem. I lived with the pain through yesterday when I finally got antibiotics. Hopefully on the mend now.
On Saturday, Omar came over and we went out to eat then returned to my place to watch "Wreck It Ralph" and a second movie that now escapes me. Yes to all of you nosy nellies....we also engaged in coitus. *grin*
Sunday I worked in my yard, trimming the overhanging trees from the neighbor's yard. My parents helped (long story but it was much appreciated) and we had a nice lunch of green salad, pesto pasta salad both made by moi and little sandwiches made by Mom. To relax, we watched "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel."
Monday was spent lounging and napping, trying to get rid of the sinus headache.
Tuesday I had an eye appointment...I'll be getting new spectacles and the lenses of my sunglasses changed out. I also spent time going to the pharmacy twice and waiting for my damn antibiotics!
Today I went to the movies, saw "Blue Jasmine." It's a typical "let's start in the middle of the story and end in the middle of the story" Woody Allen film. All of the performances are fine, especially Sally Hawkins as Ginger. The standout performance is of course Cate Blanchett as Jasmine. Her mental breakdown and attempt to maintain her social and mental standing while trying to cope with the loss of her money, husband (a sexy Alec Baldwin who unfortunately does not remove his shirt), son, social position, and sanity.
After the movie I waited around for Omar to get off work. We had a really nice dinner and then went to Barnes and Noble to look around. We ended with dessert at Beard Papa's. It was really nice to see him fully clothed in the middle of the week. *wink*
Tomorrow I'm going to attempt Disneyland. Imagine my surprise when I looked up their hours and find they're only open 10am to 7pm. And no fireworks. Damn. My thought of going when the kids were in school might backfire. It's okay, that's probably way too much Disney at once. Omar and I have tentative plans to see "The World's End" at Downtown Disney.
So that's how the staycation is holding up. Oh...did I mention it's been bordering 100 degrees? Yes, it's been freaking miserable. Poor Winston does nothing but sleep in the closet and in the cooler living room where the window A/C is running practically 24/7. How does one order an Arctic cold front?
BEHR HUGS
