Love, Not Love - Epilogue

Again, thank you for the comments to Part I and Part II. The purpose of this wasn't to get sympathy or build an army against the tyrant but to hopefully share insight into myself. We are all complex creatures and few of us know what goes on in the minds and hearts of others. I promise the next post will be lighter in nature. And now...the conclusion. BEHR HUGS!!

I have not spoken to S since that day at Disneyland. Later that month he sent me a birthday present and I sent a polite yet brief e-mail thanking him. I once waved to him at Disneyland and immediately regretted it. My decision to cut him completely from my life may have been harsh and melodramatic. It was what I had to do. And not surprisingly, S has never tried to find out – from me, at least – what happened. If he had written a note apologizing or inquiring about our shaky friendship or attempted a reconciliation, perhaps things would be different. He didn’t and they aren’t.

A few months ago I briefly wrote about a friend who has developed full-blown AIDS (see Downfall of a Friend). What I didn’t include is that S asked a friend if he thought it would be okay if S called me about our sick friend. Our friend said yes, definitely. But S did not.

I do still think about him; I mainly remember the good times. The truth is, I could never be friends with him now because I know that he neither values a friendship nor respects the feelings of others. For the record: I do not hate him. He will always have a place in my heart. It is my life in which he is no longer welcome.

I realize I have painted him as the monster. I had – have – my own faults and baggage and personality flaws. However, while I believe we were equally to blame for the failure of our relationship, I also believe that I did everything possible to show him how much he meant to me. It just wasn’t enough.

I’ve dated many men, before and after S, but never have I been so utterly rejected. I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. My experience with S caused me to place an iron cage around my heart. I doubt I will ever truly love again. I am more focused on building true friendships these days. If love is to happen again, it’s possible I may take the chance. It may take some coaxing.

I am in awe of those of you in long-term committed relationships. You have something precious, something special. It’s taken hard work, it’s taken sacrifice and compromise. But when love is truly there, it happens. So do me a favor. Tonight when you see your beloved, hold him tight, kiss him passionately, and tell him that you love him. Make him your sun, your moon, your everything. That will make me happy and restore my faith in love.

Love, Not Love - Part I

I'm often asked why I'm single. Perhaps this will 'splain Lucy a bit about Romantic Behrmark. I’ve written this in an abbreviated, clipped style; it’s how it comes out. For brevity (!) and anonymity, the initial S is used for the other party. This was not easy for me to write. Memories can be evil and hateful reminders. This is merely Part 1. Be warned: it’s not pretty.

We meet on gay.com of all places. I think S mistakenly clicked on my screen name. S assures me he hasn’t. Wow. Gorgeous man wants to chat. He can carry a conversation. He’s smart, has sense of humor. He has a beard, killer smile. Swoon.

He wants to meet. I’m not nervous. At least I keep telling myself I’m not. We meet at Downtown Disney. I’m early. He’s late. I stick my hand out – isn’t that what polite people do? He looks taken aback but we shake hands. I fall in love instantly. Not loin-stirring, lust-driven, heart-racing love but quiet soul- consuming love. We have dinner, hit a few rides at California Adventure. He tells me I’m cute. I think “What a great guy. I’ll never see him again.”

He calls two days later. For another date. Dinner and a movie? Good dinner, no movie, just lots of talking and getting to know each other. Holding hands on my couch he says I intimidate him. I move too fast, physically. Holding hands is too fast? When he leaves, I kiss him. (Six years later, I can still feel it.) All of the feelings I think I’m imagining start to crystallize. I am most definitely in love.

We spend more time together. Never cross the line, take it slow. He lets me hold his hand at the movies. We go to the gym together. See him naked in the showers. SCHWING! Suddenly feel inadequate. But he keeps coming around so he must like me. Right? Right? Start having panic attacks…rent my house move in with him? Sell both our houses and buy/rent something new? Oh god…introduce him to my family?!

E-mail him to say I like him. Am interested in more than friendship. Just sayin'.

S invites me to go to Renaissance Faire. He introduces me to his friends. Hit it off with them. Did I pass the test? Next day he emails me. I’m fun, I’m handsome, but he isn’t feeling the spark. Let’s remain friends. Heartbreak.

Friendship in all of its goodness. Jokes. Midday text messages. Dinners together with more of his friends. Gym dates. Disney Bears group. No touching, no kissing. Just two buds hanging together. And yet I keep falling deeper. I need this to stop.

Weekend trip to San Jose, hang out with SacBears, go to Great America. Two nights. One bed. We sleep naked. Last morning, there’s movement. He’s jerking off. I suck him and massage his prostate. He cums. He showers. I remain untouched.

A new introduction. Someone he’s dating. Hot guy, they look good together. I see silent intimacy pass between them. I hate this guy. Weeks later S shares his frustration that he and Other Guy don’t have much in common. Inside I scream. Outwardly I give advice. We help those we love even when it kills us to do so.

I plan a trip to Cancun with a coworker and her husband. Need to get away, clear my head. And my heart. S calls, tells me to get laid. I retort that’s not my main goal. He asks, I tell him: I need to clear my head of some stuff. My meaning is clear.

I return: mission accomplished. Somewhat. Attend pool party. S and Other Guy are there. S compliments my tan. He’s drunk, leering at Other Guy's sizeable cock. I know where it's been. Other Guy attempts friendliness. Have epiphany: it's over. I am healed. Give S his present and leave.

Gay Days. S and I go together. He broke up with Other Guy. Too bad. I spy Hot Latino who returns my smile. He and his friend join our group. Hard flirting. Sexual tension. Alone on Sun Wheel, I fellate Hot Latino. Friends cheer, joke. S is sullen, standing apart from group. Announces his departure. I ask what’s wrong. Angry reply: “Nothing. I can go if I want.” In my head I beg him: “Just ask and I will walk away from Hot Latino.”

S walks away. His loss.

Following week, S calls, wants to “talk.” Meet at his place. He finally broaches “subject.” He wants to date again. Rapture! Realizes what he is missing. I hear the words but don’t listen. Heart jumping with joy. Never stopped loving him. Entire weekend spent together. Heaven.On.Earth.

Go everywhere do everything together. Official dating couple. Joy abounds within me. I will have my Happy Ever After.

Normal dating problems: miscommunication, possible cheating situation. Resolve issues, move on. Wonderful Christmas. Most amazing sex. This will last forever. I.Am.Complete.

January. Communication breakdown. S needs space. I give it. Phone calls stop. He wants to be alone. Fucking Greta Garbo complex. Tiffs ensue. Words exchanged. Physical withdrawal. Ask if we can talk. After party. Host of party compliments how great a couple we make. Awkward silence. Later we talk. Temporary resolution.

Trip to Napa with friends. Going well. Drunken haze, all seems well. Sunday morning he rebuffs sexual advance. I’m hurt, angry. He goes off on me. I suggest we break it off, just be friends. He relaxes. Instantly. Opens up. Emotions pour from his mouth. Suddenly he’s talkative, out of sullen mood. Feels too partnered. I’m too self-deprecating. It’s me, I am the problem.

He’s free. I’m feeling lost. Adrift. Friends know something is wrong, don’t ask. At third winery, I cry. Pain. Misery. Heart ripped out. Friends uncomfortable. S looks guilty. On drive to airport, I weep silently. S strokes my shoulder.

Too late. Much too late.

Friday Night and Feeling Strange

Tonight I met my friend, K, at Disneyland. You may remember my brief post about him; he's the one who was extremely ill. He's doing a lot better although he's lost an incredible amount of weight. He looks older, to be expected, and moves slower but the offbeat sense of humor is still there. We both teared up several times as we caught each other up on what's been happening. It was very good to see him.

K is a friend of S from my Love, Not Love posts. In fact, K and S dated briefly before I met S. Because they are good friends, K talked about S a lot. Sometimes we make allowances for our friends and let them say whatever they want.

K did ask at one point if it bothered me that he was talking about S. I hesitated about 10 seconds too long before I said it was okay. He picked up on it. So we did talk about him, not rehashing the past necessarily but in general.

K said he knows for a fact that S would like to have a "friendly association" with me.

I told K about S not calling me when K was ill. I also told him that S never asked me what was wrong. K said that that's just who S is, that he holds his emotions inside. I told K that, to me, it meant I was not important on any level to S.

The strange thing is I've often thought about extending the proverbial olive branch. I was thinking this before posting Love, Not Love. But as I told K tonight...I'm not ready. I know I'm being childish and spiteful and stubborn. But hey! I'm a Taurus!

Fear not dear readers. I won't be contacting S any time soon. I think if he and I were to talk or connect again it wouldn't last. So why bother. He had his chances and he blew them both.

Tonight has left me feeling strange. I cannot explain the feeling but I'm just feeling....off. Hopefully a good night's sleep will rectify this.

Thanks for reading. BEHR HUGS!!

Sunday Favorite: Palm Sunday

Today is Palm Sunday. I only mention this because my mother mentioned it while I was visiting my parents today. There was a time when today meant something and church services revolved around the retelling of the story of Christ's entry into Jerusalem. I've gotten out of the habit but I used to watch Jesus Christ Superstar sometime during this weekend sort of to get me into the mindset for the upcoming week. Now if I watch it, I view it for entertainment value.

I know many gay men follow a path of agnosticism or atheism. I can understand that. However, as I've grown older and grown farther away from the religiosity mindset in which I was raised, I admit to there being a tad uncomfortableness. It's not that I don't believe, I do. I used to study the scriptures and try to decipher what they meant and if they had any applicable meaning to my life. I believe that the Bible is the Word of God as interpreted by man. That last part is important. With the stories of the Old Testament being handed down for hundreds of generations before they were committed to writing you know that things were left out and things were put in and exaggeration was incorporated. Add to that the many "translations" and you get contradictions, additions, deletions, and just bad interpretations.

I understand the fundamentalists wanting to ban gay marriage. I understand it from a religious standpoint. But I also understand it from a social standpoint, from an economic standpoint. While I don't believe I'll ever be in the position to get married, I believe that my friends should be able to get married. So what if they have two dicks? The argument of Leviticus and Romans do not make sense these days. During the time of the Torah, there was a need for procreation to strengthen the number of Israelites needed to retake the land promised to them. In the time of Romans, well...Paul was a Roman named Saul before his conversion and I suspect his admonitions were more self-reflective than damning of others. The book of Leviticus was written for the Israelites. The book of Romans was written to the Romans. Were these books exclusionary to the groups to whom and for whom they were written? I tend to lean toward the "yes" answer. That's not to say that the rest of us shouldn't pay heed to some of the things written but I don't think they were written as a blanket for all of mankind. Maybe I just try to justify it so I can have sex with men.

But what about love? Neither book discusses the emotion of love. Perhaps the books are more anti-promiscuity than anti-love between same sex couples. And most GLBT members argue that Christ himself never said a word for or against same sex love. At least not in the written records we have.

All I know is that faith - the belief in things unseen - is a strong foundation for how many people conduct themselves. Some take it too far by trying to impose their faith and beliefs on others. This is our struggle today especially in the U.S. I do not know what the answer is. I do believe, personally, that one day all will be revealed and that the truth will be known throughout the world. What that truth is, no man knows for certain. My belief is that if two people love each other - regardless of whether they are an opposite sex or a same sex couple - that is not a bad thing.

Sorry for the sermon. But these are my thoughts today and something I've wanted to share for a while. There will be those who do not agree; there will be those whose comments will be bitter or contradictory or even inflammatory. And that's okay because we all have our own beliefs, opinions, and understanding of the bigger picture. No one is right. And no one is wrong. Simply because we do not know.

Oops, there I go again, with the sermon. My apologies. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend; I did. Let's all have a good week as well. BEHR HUGS!!

Words of Wisdom

The following post (my 275th) is something I got from a good friend several years ago. I believe it makes a lot of sense. Our friend over at Tales of the Sissy posted a list of "I believe" statements, which prompted me to post this. I'm warning you: it's long. But it's good. I'd appreciate feedback but won't be too upset if there isn't much. I hope it touches a part of you - whether it be your brain, your heart, or your soul. As always, BEHR HUGS!!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When, in the midst of all of the fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and struggling to hold on. Like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside. You shudder once or twice. You blink back your tears of emotion and look at the world with new eyes.
This may be your awakening. It's time. Time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change. For happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. Realize that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. In the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect. Not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are. No problem. They are entitled to their own opinions. The important thing is loving and championing yourself. A sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
Stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you). The only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. People don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and not everyone will be there for you. Because it's not always about you. Learn to stand on your own and take care of yourself. A sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. Stop judging and pointing fingers. Begin to accept people as they are and overlook their shortcomings and frailties. A sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
Realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. Begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.
Learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. Reassess and redefine who you are and what you really stand for. Begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.In the process, go with your instincts. Learn the difference between wanting and needing. In giving, we receive. There is power and glory in creating and contributing. Stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
Learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. Learn that you don't know everything. It's not your job to save the world. Distinguish between guilt and responsibility. And the importance of setting boundaries. The only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and martyrs get burned at the stake. Then learn about love. How to love. How much to give in love. When to stop giving. When to walk away. Look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. Stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
Realize that alone does not mean lonely. Stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. Feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. Want things and ask for the things you want. Sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect. Don't settle for less. Your body really is your temple. Care for it and treat it as a holy place. Eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. Being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty. Take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels your soul. Take more time to laugh and play.
You get in life what you believe you deserve. Much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anything worth achieving is worth working for. Wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. In order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline and perseverance. More importantly, no one can do it all alone. It's OK to risk asking for help. The only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. Giving in to fear is giving away the right to live life on your own terms. Fight for your life and don't squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. Step right into and through your fears. Whatever happens, you can handle it.
Life isn't always fair. You don't always get what you think you deserve. Sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. Learn not to personalize things. Learn that the universe isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. Learn to deal with evil in its most primal state --the ego. Negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate your life and poison the universe that surrounds you. Admit when you are wrong. Build bridges instead of walls.
Be thankful. Take comfort in many of the simple things we often take for granted. Things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot bubble bath. Slowly, begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself. Make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. Surround yourself with things and people who make you happy and inspire you. Make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and Spirit by your side, take a stand, take a deep breath, and begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Love

Found the following quote on a friend's Bear411 profile...it's very profound and very true. *SIGH*
Love doesn't "grow." It doesn't wait for you to discover it, it doesn't fall like a gentle rain from the sky, it doesn't tiptoe into your heart like a happy little bunny, and it doesn't have a fucking thing to do with familiarity. Love is neither patient nor kind. Love attacks. Love is raw, and violent, and instantaneous. You don't fall in love; you get trampled by it. If it doesn't drop you to your knees and make you shake like a wet dog, it's not love. - Bart Yates

Downfall of a Friend

I'm feeling the need to blather which, on second thought, really is what this blog spot was supposed to be about rather than the pictures of furry bearded men that I post. Not that I - or, from the comments I receive, anyone else - am complaining.

I'm warning you...this is long. Very long. Probably too long.

Before I get onto it I wanted to explain the accompanying toon. I love Ralph Wiggums from The Simpsons. And of course I love Smokey the Bear. So when I found this I laughed and decided I'd have to find a place to use it. When Behr Blather was born (actually reborn since it started over on Yahoo 360, that POS), I realized I had the perfect "pic" on the blather. So..if anyone was wondering...that's the story.

I mentioned the other day (see here) that I received some not-so-great news about a friend, K. (Using initials to protect the identity of these folks.) Well B left me a Facebook message asking me to call him. I figured he wanted to ask me out for the umpteenth time (he once had a crush on me I think). So I called and left a message and he returned the call. He said he was worried about K because he couldn't get a hold of him. Other acquaintances could not either. Evidently K was very ill and living with his brother. So I told B that I would call C about K. C is my friend although we're perhaps not as good or great of friends as I would like, but we feel close enough to call each other "sister." (That's whole 'nother Oprah.)

I called C and told him I had a disturbing phone call and he replied that he'd had a disturbing phone call from S - who happens to be my ex. (Are you with me? K is ill, B is the bearer of bad news, C is my "sister" and S is my ex. Anyone need a score card??) C and I talked and both agreed that we'd each give it a day or so instead of bombarding K with emails. Evidently phone calls and text messages are o-u-t. Anyway, C dropped the bombshell (something B didn't tell me maybe he assumed I knew): K is HIV positive and his condition (lung infection) is due to having full-blown AIDS.

We've all known someone or many someones who have passed away from this insidious disease. But the majority of those deaths were before the cocktails that seem to be staving off the inevitable. Now you may be wondering how K could develop AIDS with the drug cocktails available. He doesn't take drugs. Not even prescription drugs. He believes that doctors, nurses, hospitals, and pharmaceutical companies are part of some evil fascist government conspiracy. So whenever he's been sick - cold, flu, headache, whatever - he's treated himself holistically. Now I'm not knocking holistic medicine; I believe it has its value. I just don't think it works for diseases that have reared their ugly heads in the 20th Century. Maybe I'm naive.

I think the most difficult thing about this is I never knew of K's HIV status. I've known him since 2004 - actually met him through S - and I love K dearly. We never played because that would be incestuous. However, S dated K before he dated me and I know S and K had sex. Whether there was an exchange of bodily fluids I do not know. I'm not worried; although I should be tested just to be certain everything is ok with the Behr on that front.

I have been feeling guilty as well since it was June when I last spoke to K. I know I had called him on his birthday in May, and I was the only one - he said - who called him. I knew he had been ill but when I last had a message from him he stated he was on the road to recovery. He also spoke about some evil fascist doctor and his mystical Indian-swami-guru-maharishi- whatever. Unfortunately, I allowed time to slip by, being busy with work and my house and trying to find some direction myself. For some silly reason I was telling a co-worker about this and she told me to stop beating myself off. I mean up, about this because communication is a two-way street.

I did email K a few days ago. He only replied "thank you for your love." Maybe he doesn't have the strength to type more. Maybe he is hurt that we're not rallying around him despite the no calls, no texts, no visitors admonishment.

I've thought of emailing S about K's condition; I know S will be honest - brutally so - and I would have a better picture from him of what's going on. However, I have not spoken to S for a little over 3 years (again, a whole 'nother Oprah). I don't fancy the idea of communicating with him or having him think that I'm reopening the lines of communication. *SIGH* It's really rather complicated, at least from where I sit.

So. That's the deal. I know that we all have to die at some time. But not this way. Not alone without your friends of some ugly disease that the government has practically ignored. I don't want to email K and say the wrong thing - like giving him the impression I'm writing him off or that it's useless or whatever. On the other hand, I really don't know what to say. What the f--k do you say to someone who is dying? I'm out of practice with this sort of thing. I held the hand of someone special to me as he slipped from this world; that is the most terrifying and soul-wrenching experience. And if you're not allowed to visit the person how is one to let him know that he has a place in your heart and will always be a part of you?

For now I think I must be content with limited knowledge of K's condition and just send him a "thinking of you" email every so often. I really do not know what else to do.

*SIGH* I always feel better when I write out this sort of drama. Thanks to those who read through this. BEHR HUGS

Thought for Heart Day

Love doesn't "grow." It doesn't wait for you to discover it, it doesn't fall like a gentle rain from the sky, it doesn't tiptoe into your heart like a happy little bunny, and it doesn't have a fucking thing to do with familiarity. Love is neither patient nor kind. Love attacks. Love is raw, and violent, and instantaneous. You don't fall in love; you get trampled by it. If it doesn't drop you to your knees and make you shake like a wet dog, it's not love. 
~ Bart Yates


For those of you who believe in such things and those of you lucky enough to have someone in your life - Happy Valentine's Day.


BEHR HUGS


PS: Happy Birthday Dad

Sunday Favorite 21: Valentine's Edition

To everyone out there, partnered or single, Happy St. Valentine's Day.

Today is my father's 80th birthday. Yes, he was born on February 14. We're headed off to the LA Natural History Museum. It's the museum's corporate partners day so I and my family can get in for free. I'm looking forward to it; haven't been to this museum since the 80's.

In honor of today, here is a quote by novelist Bart Yates:

Love doesn't "grow." It doesn't wait for you to discover it, it doesn't fall like a gentle rain from the sky, it doesn't tiptoe into your heart like a happy little bunny, and it doesn't have a fucking thing to do with familiarity. Love is neither patient nor kind. Love attacks. Love is raw, and violent, and instantaneous. You don't fall in love; you get trampled by it. If it doesn't drop you to your knees and make you shake like a wet dog, it's not love.

BEHR HUGS to all!

Behr Blather 2010 Look Back

I am not sorry to see 2010 leave. It's not been the worst year of my life but it also hasn't been the best. I believe that it can be a good thing to recap or review the year...we realize our accomplishments and failures and it helps us to enter the new year. So briefly here is my Behr Recap:

The first month of what was then the new year set the tone for 2010 and it sucked. My PC and laptop both crashed on me. The upside is I bought a Macbook (and I'm loving it). Unfortunately with the crash of the PC, I suffered a loss of some fantastic pictures. Here on Behr Blather I shared my story Love, Not Love. It was a cathartic experience and one into which I hope I have gained some additional insight.

In the February I had the opportunity to do sound for a production of "Almost, Maine." It was a wonderful show and a tremendous experience.

Not much happened in March. Boring month. I attended a one-day seminar training (it's part of a longer training) for work but other than that I can't remember much.

In April I took my first 2010 trip to SF for work, which was fantastic! I am so thankful for those friends who make time in their busy schedules to see me. I had dinner at favorite places, reacquainted myself with "the wild wood weed" and of course saw my favorite bear in the world.

May brought a new first for me: I hired a gardener. He mows and trims and it saves me from doing it. He's also cleaned out flowerbeds for me and he's always trying to get me to improve the quality of plants in my yard. I'm just thankful I don't have to do the lawn; it's always been the bane of my existence.

June was a busy month, being involved with another theater production and participating in the Arthritis Walk again. On the career front, I co-facilitated a soft skills class so that was an exciting experience.

July was the catalyst for a couple of events and changes in my life. Toward the end of the month I began experiencing sharp pains in my head. I had x-rays of my sinuses and a CAT scan of my head for probable causes.

August brought my second trip to SF for work, just a quick couple days. It ended up being a waste of time, work-wise. However, I again visited favorite restaurants and had the opportunity to cuddle with my favorite bear. I also underwent endoscopic sinus surgery to remove a cyst and straighten my septum. It was quite an experience and I can honestly say that 4 months later I am very glad I had it done.

September saw some recovery time off from work. Other than that, nothing exciting happened.

In October I a sonogram of my carotid arteries done to see if that was causing some dizziness. I also participated in the National Kidney Foundation walk at the Rose Bowl. I obtained some valuable information. I also had the opportunity to do lights for a theater production of "12 Angry Jurors." A lot of fun. I made my annual trek to Universal Studio's Halloween Horror Nights with my friends M, C, K and M.

I started using vacation time in November. I silently celebrated being in my house for 9 years. There are days I still cannot believe this is my place. It's not the Taj Mahal but it's home.

December has been an emotional month for me. On the work front, a not good thing happened to me. I had to move out of my office into a cubicle to make room for a higher level officer. This was naturally a blow to my ego and also has me fearing for my job, despite what my boss says. I do not look forward to returning to work in the new year. Despite the rest of the year being fine, this new change has really shaken my confidence, drastically changed my attitude, and has increased my stress level. On the other hand, I took three weeks of vacation during which I had a new garage door installed, cleaned out the garage, made a little dent in cleaning out the spare bedroom, bought a new chair for the living room, and basically vegged out.

In looking back over the year, among all of the changes one stands out way on top: I quit smoking. With the exception of one cigarette I have been smoke-free since the end of August. I've had very few cravings and don't miss it at all. Yay me!

There you have it....Behr Blather's 2010 Look Back. My wish for today is that everyone has a safe New Year's Eve. I want you all around for 2011.

BEHR HUGS!

Love, Not Love - Part II

• Thanks to everyone who left a comment on Part I, I appreciate the feedback. I want to clarify something: I did not include many incidents that occurred; I only chose the highlights. The story began in 2004; it ends in 2006. Here is the second part of the story, which picks up where Part I left off, same day. I kept this as abbreviated as possible, in keeping with the style of the previous part. I will post the Epilogue soon.

We board the plane for home. I want a cocktail. He pays. G&Ts. At our home airport I’m desperate to get the luggage and get going. I need to get away from S. Other plans have been made. Mexican dinner. Three margaritas. Still not drunk.

Finally arrive at S’s. Ask politely to use bathroom. I walk out. “What’s this?” He holds the mailer containing the handmade card I mailed before our trip. Damn. It arrived early; it is meant for February 14. “A card. Read it. Don’t read it. It doesn’t matter now.” I leave.

The card said: I absolutely adore you.

To this day I have no idea whether or not if he read it.

Touch base with a mutual friend who tells me he’s sorry. Says I’m best thing to happen to S, he’s a idiot.

Week later, online, S asks what I’m doing. I tell him I’m going to Disneyland. He asks if I want company. Rock and hard place. We have a nice day, relaxed, no confrontation, no tears. He looks like he wants to say something; he doesn’t.

We see each other over the next couple of months: dinner, theme parks. Excruciating pain. Still want to touch him, kiss him. I still feel empty. I meet other men, mostly for sex. Time passes. We have less and less contact. I make a change at work: new position, new department, different responsibilities, new adventures. Moving on. Best thing.

S tells me he plans to quit teaching, move to San Diego, go to massage school. WTF?

I delve back into theater. Pirates of Penzance. Great fun. He wants to come see the show. I offer to make reservation. He says “For two.” He brings date. Awkward. Pretend it doesn’t bother me.

He sells me washer/dryer. I pick them up, he barely helps load them in my truck. Missing part; return for it and we go to dinner. I drive away and don’t think about it. Realize I am over him. No longing. No well of sadness. I can be near him without wanting to hold him, kiss him.

He calls. Asks me to go to Walt Disney World with him. I agree. Visit him at his new place in San Diego. We discuss trip. Dinner, show. Against better judgment, stay the night. He spoons me, asks if it is ok. Yes.

We are friends. Nothing more. I do not feel the longing as before. Time heals. Trip to Orlando. Together but separate, good time. Lots of laughs. Old days return. Third night, I want to spoon. “Don’t.” Slept on couch. Despite that, overall great trip.

We don’t see much of each other but try to stay in touch. This is new, remaining friends with ex.

Invitation to naked pool party. Snow Monkeys. Late March, heated pool. Feeling good, happy. First to arrive. Others soon come, S included. He seems “off.” I say hello, he doesn’t say much. I’m first in heated. Drinking beer, eating, having good time. Attempt conversation with S; he barely responds but talks to others. I leave him be. Someone asks S why he is like Eyeore, so doom and gloom. Does he have a bad boyfriend?

S responds: “That’s all I’ve had.”

All eyes turn to me. Knife back in chest. Anger. Hurt. Embarrassment. I get out of pool, dry off, start getting dressed. Friend asks what’s wrong. I break down, sob. Can’t breathe, can’t think, numb. Friend comforts me. I escape.

Week later, mini-Gay Day at Disneyland. I want to go but dread presence of S. Maybe he won’t be there. He is.

I ignore him. I do not speak to him. I avoid him. Smart boy catches on quick. He approaches, says hello, asks how I am. “I’m well.” Someone calls to me, I walk away. Not easy and yet what I do. Must do.

Later, waiting for fireworks. Our group numbers 25+. I decide to go have cocktails. Hug and kiss everyone goodbye….except S.

It does not go unnoticed.

Behr TV: RuPaul's Drag Race

As I've mentioned elsewhere and possibly here, I've been watching Season 3 of RuPaul's Drag Race on Hulu since I don't have cable/satellite TV. This morning I was very sad to see Delta Work sashay away.

You either love Delta or hate Delta. I fall into the first category. I love her look. Her makeup is impeccable. Her style is classy. Her humor has me laughing. She's absolutely beautiful. I loved her "read" of the other dragtestants in the Library because she didn't go for the obvious humor. I thought her chupacabra read of Yara was hysterical. In comparison, the others all commented on her size which, as Delta said, it obvious. I know it's how the tape is edited but she should have won that mini-challenge, not Shangela. I thought Delta looked absolutely beautiful last night on the runway.

A quick word about Shangela: Someone needs to bitch slap that smirk off her face. Yes, Delta may have gone home last night but no other dragtestant has been shown getting more love on her exit from the runway than she did. Delta's sashay away was NOT Shangela's doing. Shangela is second-rate in comparison to all of the others.

I will continue to root for Raja. I know there are those who dislike her but I love her outspokenness and her creative risks; her runway looks are stunning.

I may have the opportunity next week to see Delta perform live. I'm looking forward to experiencing her live. RuPaul's Season 3 will not be the same going forward.

BEHR HUGS

A Bit of Behr

It’s been a while since I’ve “blathered” and it’s high time I got back to what I initially intended this piece of cyberland to be….a forum for me to get back into writing. Few would know it but my degree is in Journalism-Public Relations. Back when I was a collegiate twink – and yes I shamefully admit that I was a twink - my “plan” was to work in PR during the day and write the great American (gay) novel at night. I have always believed in the power of the written word, whether we’re talking about great prose (To Kill a Mockingbird, On the Road, Alas Babylon, Darkness at Noon, anything written by Shakespeare) to creative print advertising (Got Milk, Wear Your Rubbers). The written word can and has changed people. When I was in my early 20’s a friend loaned me several “gay” novels and suggested that I read them. He pushed “The Front Runner” by Patricia Nell Warren, saying it would change my life. While I agree it is an influential GLBT books, the one that impacted me most was “The Catch Trap” by Marion Zimmer Bradley. It is the story of Tommy Zane, the protégé of Mario Santelli, a trapeze artist. As the two form a working and artistic bond they fall in love. As “public figures,” they cannot publicly show their affection for one another. It truly touched my heart as that is what I wanted: someone with whom I would share passion, devotion, and love. Written in the late 70’s, this novel gives the reader an inside look at the circus world of the 40’s and 50’s while boldly portraying same-sex love. The inspiration of Tommy and Mario’s families, who accept the young men’s love, is perhaps something many of us have not experienced. If you have not read “The Catch Trap,” I recommend it highly.I’ve often wondered why a movie version has not been made of this book. Too controversial? Too dated? I believe if anyone could direct the heck out of it, it would be Ang Lee. He seems to have an eye toward physical and emotional beauty. I have no idea who would act in such a film; that will take some thought.

Behr Pick: Furry Friday

It's been quite a week...for starters my cold is still hanging on. Just when I think I'm getting better, the congestion comes back. It doesn't help that we here in the LA area are now experiencing a normal summer complete with heat and humidity. My other physical problem is my tendonitis; I think I mentioned in an earlier post that it has flared up again and isn't getting better. In the evenings I put an ice pack on it and before bed use either lidocaine patches or the new Salon Pas strips (which smell like Ben-Gay). There's been some relief but the pain is still present. My train buddies are starting to hound me about seeing the doctor. I think they're tired of me limping down the stairs and grimacing! My fear is that my doctor will want to do an MRI and I'll end up having surgery. Not something I feel I'm up to facing, if that is indeed the diagnosis.

Yesterday evening I received an email from my friend K; he's the one who was seriously ill last year. He asked me if I would be uncomfortable attending a pool party at his place if S was there. (If you're new here or have blocked the memory from your mind, S is my ex. Not to rehash the past but you can check out my past posts Love Not Love [there are three parts].) K mentioned the other guys he's invited, all friends and acquaintances. It's as hot as hell and spending part of a day in a pool with friends sounds wonderful; however, I am not ready to be in S's presence. I doubt I ever will be. And so in declining I'll be disappointing K and that makes me feel guilty and childish and stubborn. But I just cannot do it.

The only thing, right now, that is making me feel better is gazing upon today's furry muscle god. I'm certain you all agree that this is a most excellent balm.

BEHR HUGS!

Cute Young Thing

Today's subject is not my typical feature...but I couldn't resist. He is just so darn cute! And that chest - whoa. A nice chest really gets me going. I hope you'll agree.

I'm a bad American citizen. I completely forgot that the SOTU address was last night. I'm hoping to catch the sound bites or - more hopefully - someone will blog about the highlights. I did notice the picture of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and their stoicism in the face of President Obama's attack of DADT. Or so Joe.My.God said.

A word to my followers: thank you. Thank you all for supporting my corner of cyberland and for the many supportive comments to Love, Not Love. I know many of you come here to check out the hot men and that's good, nay, great! But I have decided to keep the photo blog posts to a minimum. I would like to start actual blogging, even if it's mundane stuff. But believe it or not, I have lots to share: my Scouting experience, my coming out, my struggle with balancing religion and being gay, and my ongoing struggle with self-acceptance.

So although I'm not totally revamping Behr Blather, there will be some changes. I hope you'll all stick around for the ride. BEHR HUGS!!

Another Loss

I first met Steve and his partner Mikey at Gay Days 2004. Steve was this tall, big, gregarious ginger bear, Mikey a furry dark-haired pocket bear. Steve was talkative, Mikey a bit shyer, but both very attractive and fun men. I consider them acquaintances because I only saw them once a year, at Gay Days. For the past couple of years I've been Facebook friends with Steve. 

From the first moment I met them - introduced to me by my ex - I could tell these men were in love. I didn't realize how much that was true until one year - and I honestly do not remember in what year - Steve and Mikey didn't show up for Gay Days. Rumor was that Steve was ill. As with all gay men, we all automatically thought the worst. But it wasn't...it was skin cancer. 

Steve lost an incredible amount of weight, becoming half the man he was. He had so many skin grafts on his face that he no longer looked like himself and it affected his speech. Steve underwent several operations over the years and always kept his sense of humor and sharp wit. The amazing and admirable part of the story is that Mikey never left Steve's side throughout the entire ordeal. And you could see the love between them. 

I called them the Poster Boys of Love.

About a week or so again, there was a post for prayers and good thoughts for Steve and Mike. Steve was in the hospital. As the days went by we got posts about friends visiting, that Steve was moved to ICU, that his mother and sister had arrived.

Steve passed away this past Thursday, Mikey by his side, his mother and sister present. Mike and Steve were together for 18 years. 

I'm going to miss Steve. Sure, we weren't friend friends but I always looked forward to seeing him and talking to him. His strength and spirit are a lesson to us all to persevere. Mikey's love is a lesson to us all to look to the spirit and character of those we love when the physical body fails. And for those of us who knew Steve - he will always be with us in spirit.

BEHR HUGS

Blast from my Past

In telling this story and especially in hindsight, I realize that it is pretty pathetic. Or rather, I acted rather pathetically. I present this now just as a rumination not so much therapy or disclosure for closure. I don't know why I'm sharing it. Perhaps it'll occur to me by the end.

A few years ago I was in a semi-good place: I had been in my new role at the bank for a year or so, I had been in my house since 2001 and all seemed "OK." The only area of my life that wasn't quite spectacular was my love life. Enter DG.I met him online - I forget where exactly - and we began chatting. He was going through a divorce, had three children and one grandchild, and he finally accepted he was gay. He sounded so lonely and so lost that I tried my best to just give advice and listen when he needed to vent. As we exchanged emails and phone calls we learned more about each other as these type of situations usually yield. Soon I found myself looking forward to his messages and calls and he even told his ex-wife about me. Well...he said he did. He even introduced me to his daughter via Myspace and she and I exchanged a few messages. She said I sounded like a fantastic guy who was making her dad happy.
He left his temporary home (due to Katrina) and started heading west, toward Las Vegas I believe, to stay with a friend. He landed in Albuquerque NM and found a job as a chef at a hotel. Things were looking up for him.
We decided that we needed to meet because - based on the common interests and mutual "like." He said a lot of things to me. I don't need to share them all but he did say he thought he could fall in love with me. Having come out of a relationship the year before with a completely shattered heart and self-esteem, such words were a soothing balm to my tortured being. Melodramatic sounding, isn't it? But that's how it felt.
He was struggling in NM: he owed money and wasn't making enough to finish the trip to NV and - in my weakness - I offered to loan him money. Not a lot. But a few hundred is what I sent. Shortly after this foolish act (although I believed at the time he needed it more than I did) he told me that he'd hooked up with a guy. And he was moving in with this guy. And he was in love with the guy. Needless to say I felt he had taken advantage of me and we exchanged a lot of heated words. I asked him to repay the loan and he said he'd think about it. Pretty much that was the end of it.
About a week ago I found the Western Union paperwork for the money I'd sent him. Oddly enough, I again thought that I had acted in good faith and trust albeit foolishly. (I actually do this a lot - loaning money to people I don't know very well. I must have SUCKER written on my forehead.) I shredded the paperwork and didn't think about it again.
Until this morning. I had an IM from him saying he wanted to make things right. He admitted that he behaved badly and wanted my address so he could send me the money. I was dumbfounded.
I thought about it and finally responded. I told him that I had let go of that situation a long time ago. I also told him that I wasn't going to be emailing him and yelling at him and telling him to fuck off as he thought I would. (Sorry, being honest here.) My final bit was to say that it wasn't necessary for him to repay the loan, that it was an expensive lesson but one I needed to learn.
He replied and thanked me. He's not found the happiness that he once gloated about. That actually makes me feel sad. And perhaps I feel a little vindicated too.
So what did I learn today? I learned that, despite any heartbreak - real or imaginary - that I did the right thing. Both back then and now. If he had insisted on sending the money I would have told him to donate it to a charity, such as an AIDS hospice or food service. And I don't say that to make myself sound righteous or generous; it's honestly what I thought this morning.
I also learned that despite the absence of a significant other in my life I'm not that unhappy. Oh sure I have my days but who doesn't? I also learned that taking the high road does bring personal satisfaction.
So that's my story. And I'm sticking to it! BEHR HUGS!!

It's Official

We are now second-class citizens. We do not have the civil right to marry nor do we have equal protection under the law. Although the judiciary has officially spoken, this is NOT the end of the debate and most certainly NOT the end of the fight for equality.

I suggest that since California thinks we are not worthy, that all GLBT community members should seriously consider moving out of California. This state is in trouble and our leaving would cripple it to no end. Aside from the obvious loss of tax money, every industry would be affected by the loss of our presence. Everything from shops to restaurants to the entertainment world to the financial world to personal services. If we're not good enough to be allowed to love and marry, then California is not good enough for our productiveness, money, and support. I would gladly move to another state that does not think I am a lesser person because of whom I love.

CONGRATULATIONS to those 18,000 +/- who were married while it was still "legal"; your unions stand as is and is a victory in itself.

THIS IS NOT THE END! NO 2 H8!

Behr Pick: Beef, Wine, and Remembrance

So this past week when I was in La Jolla, which is near San Diego, I thought about a certain someone because he lives there. I thought about how - if I weren't so damned stubborn and sensitive - I maybe could have called and crashed at his place rather than paying for a hotel and thus saving the company more money. I thought about driving by his place just to see if he still has his ridiculous vehicle. He had bought a particular trendy vehicle and it totally looked like a lesbian car. Just sayin'.

I think he's on my mind because this is the weekend anniversary of our break-up. The days and dates match up exactly as they did in 2005. Yeah...it sucks we broke up on February 13. And in Napa of all places. Okay maybe it was technically Sonoma I don't know. But I know that this weekend holds meaning for me. Not necessarily good meaning just meaning. (For the uninitiated, read my three part series Love, Not Love.)

In fact...I've been thinking...always a dangerous activity. For my birthday in 2005 he gave me a bottle of Violetta, which is perhaps the most divine dessert wine to ever cross my lips. It comes from the Grgich Hills winery. I've been saving it for a special occasion...and I'm still waiting. So I'm considering drinking it in remembrance this weekend. Oh relax...it's a 375 ml bottle. And here from the website about when to open a bottle of wine:

The late harvest Violetta, because it is made from grapes rich with botrytis, has a high residual sugar as well as nice acidity and typically is at its best three to five years after the harvest but continues to deepen in color and to develop those wonderful apricot and honey flavors for another 10 or more years.

The bottle I have is a 2000 Late Harvest. So I had best consume it, don't you think? I think so too. Best to get it done and let it be over with.

"To absent friends!" as Frank N. Furter would say.

BEHR HUGS